you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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