my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
