So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
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True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
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