I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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