I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
is it gross that my labia hangs so much that guys can't find my clit?
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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