Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
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