i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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