i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I need to sanitize my soul.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
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