my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
