I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
