I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
