I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
