I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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