I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
