if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
