I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
