I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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