So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
