bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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