I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
sarcasm needs its own font
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
