there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
