remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
We just shotgunned beers for America
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Randomize
