Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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