the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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