I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
