Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
