He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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