I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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