So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Randomize
