I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
