You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Randomize
