you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
