He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
