im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Randomize
