I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
