totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
