I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
