Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
be right there i have to get my cape
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
