textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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