then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
My penis needs a shock collar
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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