Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
please don't ironically join a cult
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