I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
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