I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Randomize
