i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Randomize
