you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Randomize
