we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
