So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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