we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
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