he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
