then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
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