i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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