Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
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