im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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