I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
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