dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
