I'm pants shitting drunk right now
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Randomize
