I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Randomize
