Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Randomize
