Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Randomize
