bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
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