i don't plan on having that self control this summer
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize