the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Randomize
