Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Randomize