is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
