oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
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