Are we in a gay sports bar?
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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