i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
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